|Generation X vs. The Girl Scouts
DISCLAIMER: Generation X is copyright of Marvel Comics. I'm not making any money off of this at all, so don't sue me.
"No, I AM!"
"I GOT THE KEYS, SO, HA!!!!"
And all through this racket, the voice of reason, or, Monet St. Croix prevails,"Mr. Cassidy said that I was to drive, so give me the keys, and we shall be on our way."
Survey says........"NO!" but, Monet drives tonight.
Monet ignites the ignigtion. Slower, and slower, and slower, and slower, the jeep backs up. The mirrors, the seatbelts, the gas, the radiator, and everything else is being monitored by Monet for assurance of a primo ride to the 7-11.
Then, looking both ways while approching the gate and at the insistant pleas of 'GUN IT MONET!!', she takes the position of mother."Will you PLEASE settle down! How am I to keep watch over the road when--"
Suddenly, Paige Guthrie's voice fills the stuffed jeep,"Monet! Ya're gonna hit--"
And before Paige can finish her sentence, there is a disturbing sound that comes from underneath the car that reminds them of eating potato chips.
"Omigosh, you just ran over a Girl Scout, M!"
"Me?! It was you, Jubilation, who kept up your meaningless banter with Everett about which is better: The Kermit the Frog Pez Dispenser or Snoopy!"
"O MAH LAWRD!!"
"Cassidy is going t'kill us...."
The Gen X'ers ramblings come to a screeching halt at the mention of this divine sweet. Paige Guthrie is the first to speak.
"Did...did ya say....'cookies', Jubilee?"
"Yeah, and not just ANY cookies, GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!!!! Do-Se-Do's, those samoa thingies, and, oshkoshmigosh, THIN MINTS!!!!!!!"
"I haven't had a good thin mint since I left Kentucky!"
And in comes reality, or Monet,"Excuse me, people, but we just killed a Girl Scout, and your talking about cookies?!"
"Monet, you come from a civilization, different from ours. You have not experienced the cool and refreshing flavor of the thin mints. So, I am going to let that blasphamous remark pass, but just his once," declares Jubilee, full of sincerity.
"Hey, chicas, I've been thinking. The muchacha's on our property, si? And so are her cookies, si? And she's dead, si? So, we inherit the delicious cookies, si?"
"Angelo Espinosa," Monet begins," that is THE most--"
"--the most BRILLIANT idea!! Millions of cookies, cookies for me..." interrupts Jubilee.
The group breaks up: Monet, Angelo, and Jubilee are arguing about whether or not it is right to take the cookies. Jonothon is looking for Artie and Leech,'maybe they cannae help us, ah, clean up the mess a bit'. Everett Thomas is in the car chanting 'Cassidy is going to kill us, Cassidy is going to kill us', and that leaves Paige and Mondo.
"Hey, Mondo, I bet you never had a Samoa!"
"Why would I want to eat a Samoa,"he asks,"They are nice people!"
"No, silly! It's a cookie! Here, try one!"
Mondo takes the strange object. He looks at it, examining the brown, satiny streaks of sugar heaven, and the unearthly goodness of the other ingredients. The smell, he notes, promises him a sugar high to rival Jubilee's. But, his conscious gets the better of him.
"Paige, it's wrong. The cookies belong to the girl."
"*sigh*," I hope Monet didn't hear that, she thinks. Pumbling around in her pocket, Paige finds a five dollar bill. "Ok, Mondo, I'll pay for the box. And if i recall, the cookies were only $2.50. So, here you are, Mondo, enjoy."
The cookie is raised to Mondo's mouth. He nibbles on it, likes the taste, inhales the rest of the cookie, and says something that even he is shocked to hear him say,"Screw the girl: The cookies are ours."
And this is piped up by Jubilee in her best Cookie Monster voice, "COOKIES FOR FREE!"
After an hour has passed, and the Gen X'ers have devoured almost a quarter of the boxes of cookies. Even Monet has eaten some thin mints to pass the time. Everything goes along smoothly until Paige speaks up.
"Uh, gang? I think the girl is beginning to smell."
"Yeech, the chica is right,' says Angelo, who is now plugging his nose.
"Well, don't you even think of asking me to dispose of the body. It is not my fault. If it wasn--"
"Mon, we've heard it, it's old, it's ancient," Jubilee sputters out through the mouth full of thin mints that has cluttered her mouth,"Go find some ID on the girl, call her parents. Oh, yeah, take her with you!"
"Jubilation," Monet starts out with full supression of anger,"don't you think Mr. Cassidy would find it just a bit suspicious if I brought in a dead Girl Scout?"
"Th' girl has a point," says Jono, now rejoining his group," One'o us should keep the girl company, and one'o us should call 'er parents."
"Ok, then, Jono, keep the girl company. Monet, go call the girl's parents. Paige, Mondo, Angelo, Ev, and myself will gaurd the cookies, agreed?"
Spread out on the lawn, the remaining cookie eaters are almost down to their last fifty boxes. Stuffed, bloated, and barely motivated, they just lay there like the Girl Scout was on the driveway.
"If I ever even look at another cookie, I swear that I will just up and die."
"millions of cookies...cookies fer me...millions of cookies...in Jubilee's tummy..."
"I think Jubes has had one cookie to many; she becoming delusional. Take away that box of thin mints, wouldja, Ev?"
"Right-o, Paige. Ok, Jubilee, cookie time is over. Hand your good buddy Ev your box."
"NO! My cookies, not your cookies!"
Great, Everett thinks, now I have to sink to my parents level of negotiation. He cringes at the deed that lays before him. "But, too many cookies in Jubilee's tummy is no fun! Especially tomarrow, when you wakey up, and you go to your bathroom and spew them all out!"
"NO! My cookies! Mine, mine, mine, mine, MINE! NO ONE is going to take my cookies away!" And with that, Jubilee begins to snooze, with her box of thin mints tucked snuggly under one arm; as if holding a teddy bear.
And then, Jonothon comes out from out of nowhere.
"We 'ave problems!"
"Jono! Whrere's the girl?" exclaims Paige, getting nervous.
"They..they took her!"
"Who's 'they'?" asks the now curious Everett.
"The Girl Scouts. A legion of little girls, dressed in green, coming o'er here by bicycle. They wan' the cookies."
"But...we ate almost all of them!" pipes in Angelo.
"We 'ave t'protect the cookies, then. At all cost."
"With what, Jono? The cookies?" menaces Paige.
"what is it, Paige?"
"don't you think we should get Monet over here before we do anything?"
"do you really want to hear her say her 'i hope that you are satisfied with yourselves' speech?"
"you mean, the one where she makes herself out to be some pagaen goddess of saintlyhood, and us the spawns of hell?"
"that's the one."
"oh. well, Monet will be fine, then."
"can the catchy comebacks, peoples! 'ere the come!"
And then, up the lane, they see them. Homicidal hordes of green clones, pedaling in their Mary Janes as fast as they can. White knee socks that are bunched around their ankles. Green berets placed perfectly on their small heads that have long, blond pigtails streaming behind them as they whiz past the streets like Hell's Belle's. The armageddon...is here.
"COOKIES! COOKIES! COOKIES!" is their symphnotic pitch as they come closer, and closer to the band of Gen X'ers that dared to have taste the forbidden sweets.
"we're screwed, we're screwed!"
"oh, snap out of it, Mondo!" And with that, Paige Guthrie slaps Mondo across the face. "they're only little girls!"
"correction, paige. they are little girls...with merit badges."
And now goes off Paige,"we're screwed, we're screwed!"
"c'mon, now. we've got the cookies to fight with! so, if it's cookies they want, it is cookies they shall get! one three, one, t--"
"TAKE THAT YOU MINDLESS MERIT BADGE ZOMBIES OF COOKIES!" screams Jubilee, trying to do Sigourny Weaver's perfomance in Aliens to justice, and sends off a barrage of Do-Se-Do's down the way of the Girl Scouts. "NO ONE TOUCHES MY THIN MINTS!!!"
"It-it's not working, Jubilee! Jubilee, it's not working! They're making shurikens out of the cookies!" panics Paige.
"Damn, they're resourceful! But, we have one thing that they don't!"
"What's that, Ev?" inquires Jono.
"Jubilee's unlimited supply of Super-Soakers and Kool-Aid!"
After fifeteen minutes of re-grouping, the Gen X'ers have a (water) arsenal to make even the army jealous. Water ballons, filled with wild berry Kool-Aid. Super- Soakers, from the fifty's to the five thousands are on the arm of each of them, filled with either Purple-a-Saurus Rex, Berry Blue, or both, to ensure that not even Whisk is going to save them from an eternal dark stain.
"FIRE!" commands Jubilee, and the others obey. "GO HOME AND CRY TO MOMMY! THERE AIN'T GONNA BE ANY MERIT BADGES THAT'S GONNA SAVE YOU NOW!!"
The words ring true and the Girl Scouts back off, with tear stained/Kool-Aid stained faces. The Gen X'ers are victorious.
It is now that Monet St. Croix rejoins them. "Sorry that it took me so long, but it turns out that the girl has no parents. And," looking at the arsenal,"what happened here?"
"Oh, nuthin' much, M," Jubilee says in her most convincing 'tough guy' voice, "just sent some li'l girls home to momma! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a box of thin mints to finish."
To Be Continued...(scary, huh!)...